It has been a very long time since I’ve written anything and this is quite a deep share to restart with. But I feel a need to write, to celebrate and mostly to hope my story helps other women or even men who have struggled with under-fueling. There may be even just one woman who needs to read this. So here goes.

One year ago today I recovered from 16 years of underfueling and HA (hypothalamic amenorrhea. What does that mean? Well to put it bluntly, I was starving for a decade and a half. To put it gently, I unawarely under-fueled my precious body thinking I was doing it to be healthy, to be attractive and because it was the right thing to do. There’s so much to write. I’ll do my best to make it short, sweet and I pray helpful to one and many.

It’s all too common, this underfueling and HA and yet I thought it was just me. HA is basically a missing period, but more so it means that your body doesn’t get enough energy, so it has to pick and choose where to use the the energy it does get. The fertility system is one of first to go. Combine that with also “borrowing” energy from your bones (making them extra brittle) to fuel your needed heart and other lovely necessities for living. There’s so many repercussions to being littler than the body our God designed for us – poor temperature regulation, poor sleep, lowered hunger (why give your body hunger pains when food is scarce?), brittle hair and nails and loads of anxiety. Your body basically thinks food is scarce and you’re in danger so it’s on high alert. All. The. Time. And on top of that it’s doing all it can to just survive and keep you the healthiest it’s able to with the energy you’re giving it. It’s a miracle really – how kind your body is to you.

So what’s the cure? (For HA / Hypothalamic Amenhorrea / underfueling?)

As odd as it sounds, until recently, doctors just didn’t know much about what this is. And often they are OK with it. (CRAZY). I myself had been put through the ringer – doctors wanting to put me on a pill, having bone scans, brain MRIs, and so many needles of blood drawn… all to result in doctors telling me “I just don’t know why you don’t get a period.” and eventually I even had a doctor tell me I was “healthy” I just didn’t get a period. (What?! I know, so backwards, but) It’s all they knew.

Fast forward a decade and a half and by God’s sheer grace a referral to a beautiful doctor unlike any other I’d met. I walked into this doctor’s office braced for danger after years of being poked, prodded and treated as if I was wrong, broken or bad for my undiagnosed issue. What happened next was God. God saying “I got you. I’ve been waiting for this moment for you for so many years. This is big.” The doctor looked at me with gentle and kind eyes, said “I think you might have HA” and wrote me a doctors note to go home, eat more, especially carbs and carbs with meals, and to have a fun time during my engagement and wedding and try to rest a lot more. Wait what? Yes. I left a doctor’s office with a written prescription to eat a lot, especially carbs and don’t exercise if you can help it and to have fun. The best prescription ever. She also told me to look up HA in podcasts… open wide the binge listening gates! I listened to HOURS of podcasts related to hypothalamic amenorrhea. Through my listening I was quickly introduced to the work of Nicola Rinaldi, author of No Period Now What and learned of a private facebook group of women in recovery just like me. It was incredible. This group has THOUSANDS of women in it asking each other questions and celebrating when healing happens – which it does daily some weeks. There was real science and research and a healing pathway for the first time in my life.

If only doctors knew this when I was young. But even so, I wasn’t ready then. The younger in my journey you go, the more I needed to be thin and to eat right. After some pretty tame ridicule, but ridicule none the less about my body, I learned quickly that thin & fit = ability to be loved and wanted. I lived that decade and a half believing that. I also fell for the “diets” – whole 30 anyone? – of restriction to be as “healthy” as possible. I don’t think I would’ve been able to heal (which requires significant weight gain) as a single woman. I thought I needed to maintain my body to be wanted, attractive, liked.

This journey was so tough, and yet so easy all at once. It truly feels like I’ve lived through a miracle. There were seasons in my life I never thought I’d get to a place where I ate freely – I had wondered how do people do that? Isn’t that “unhealthy”? I just never ate “normally” or with freedom from restriction from whatever I thought was “unhealthy” from what I’d learned. Now back to fall of 2019, I got married. I had a safe love. A love that had even said “So what if you gain 10 lbs” way back when I was doing the whole30 during dating and afraid I’d gain weight on it… a comment I literally didn’t know how to compute then.

And so I did it. I ate, and I ate, and I ate. I had the privilege of leaving the gym where I taught fitness because I’d moved, so I could take it easy without even missing classes. It was the first time I just ate whatever was offered and I didn’t do activity. The first time I’d eat whenever and whatever my body asked for without restriction. Many weird things happen during recovery – one of which is so much pain. You wouldn’t expect this since there’s no working out, but I think once your body is not running on adrenaline for survival, it starts to heal and repair your insides and that just hurts! It’s like what all body recovery and rebuilding might feel like after years of systems not having the energy to do so. Daily I’d read women online recovering and thought it won’t happen to me. I’m actually broken in a different way. And then December 10, 2019… it happened. I was shocked. Really? I healed? It was possible all of this time? Seriously, incredible. A miracle I’ll never forget after 16 years of feeling like it never would.

Now the healing journey doesn’t stop there, you’re told to eat and rest “all in” as the lingo of the group calls it for at least 3 cycles before adding exercise or changes to your life and diet. For me I never really followed a plan, I just did what I could to learn to listen to my body. Was she hungry? What did she want to eat? Did she want to rest? To move? There were points where when I listened my body, she really did want to rest. To read a book. To eat a big snack… it’s a journey of healing the mind-body relationship. She now knows I am listening to her voice. And even when I do it imperfectly, I’m still trying my best and she’s knows she is safe. Safe to eat. Safe to be loved. Safe to be shaped as she’s shaped.

Shape – that’s probably the hardest part. Eating all the foods – that’s the fun part 🙂 That’s freedom I’ve longed for all of my life. Buying larger pants? Yea that’s the tough piece. Bra’s I had not problem with – that felt fun to have a new size and permission to shop. But the pants… that was tough.

Now one year later, my body’s been through a lot. This has shown me the miracles my body is capable of. And it feels genuinely healthy and enjoys great workouts. My weight’s settled for the most part and I have a size I can learn to dress again. These last few months I’ve made a great effort to find pants that fit and flatter this new, real body. This is my body. The one she’s always wanted to show me she is. Do I still have bad days? Yes I do. And that’s where my counseling and loving support network comes in. The more I share with the small number of safe people in my life, the more I hear grace back to me, love showered over me. “Get new pants” “Don’t wear pants that make you feel bad” “You look so strong and beautiful.” Grace.

We all need people. We all need God. And we all need reminders that we are allowed to be who we are. We do not need to edit our bodies. We don’t need to edit our history. We do not need to make ourselves smaller than we are. This is why nearly every single class I teach involves healing this relationship with your mind and your body. I create space for all to listen. What is she or he saying? Is anything stuck? What needs cared for? Seen? Felt? Allowed? Loved? I also make room to allow each body to take up space. Can you appreciate the sheer gift of your body weight as you lay down – allowing you to melt and feel held by the ground? Can you stand with space to feel fully here? Show up? Stand in your worth.

Life is too short to live starving. Too short to try to disappear and fit into culture or a too small pair of jeans. There will never again be another you. Please, don’t rob us all of your unique beauty. Life is too short to spend it not resting, having fun and being with those you love. If you need permission – please use this as your permission slip. You’re allowed to eat what you want. You’re allowed to watch a movie and not multitask. You’re allowed to be whatever size your body is happy being. Start to follow real bodies on social media. Follow people who break food rules and enjoy being alive.

God made us to live life to the full. Our body is a gift, but it is not the meaning of life. And with much thanks to my dear friends mom who said this week “I truly believe when we get to heaven, God’s not going to weigh us in.” I love that.

And with that I leave you. I leave you I hope with a little more grace for yourself. With a pathway to healing and allowing yourself to be truly nourished if you’re living in bondage of rules or restriction. May you live a life to the full. May you live a life feeling like you belong here. May you live a life of enjoying having a body and dressing her or him in the ways that feel alive, honoring and joyful. May you enjoy food. May you enjoy restful pleasures. May you enjoy moving when your body asks. May you feel fully free for the first time and every time after this one.

May you live.

Grace, Peace & Namaste,

Rachel

Little Extras

I have SO much to share! But first…

If you or anyone you know of may be struggling with HA I highly recommend requesting to join the group online and learn as much as you can about recovery. The more you know, the more normal it all will feel! Also, I can’t recommend enough having a counselor and good support system. Reach out and find the support you need to feel loved every step of the way.

I’ve created a yoga practice for women recovering from HA. This would be a great practice for any person who’s been asked by their doctor to physically rest, but also needs to learn how to do that in a loving way for their body. Enjoy. Yoga Practice for Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Recovery 

Ok! Now for fun bits and extras: 

If you want to hear me tell my story, I had the privilege of sharing it on the Faith and Fertility Podcast recently. Listen here or wherever you get your podcasts.

This winter as we all may be isolated and at home – I’ll be recording my Saturday morning 9am Barre Yoga class and my Sunday 10:30am Yoga class and placing them on my classes webpage as well as my YouTube channel. Join me! If you want to join live, all the details are on my classes page as well. Together we can stay strong, healthy and connected in this season.

If you follow me on social media you may know I’ve been having a little fun making earrings! Message me if you’d like to purchase any for the women in your life you need gifts for! They are just $10 per faux leather pair and 15% will go directly to support the work of Milagro House who houses and educates women who would otherwise be facing homelessness.

You also may know I’ve been selling my art and working on commissioned pieces. It’s been so fun and I can’t wait for all of the joy that will be unwrapped this Christmas! If you’re looking for a commissioned piece, please reach out. I’m booked for the rest of the year and into January – but I’m open for late Spring and beyond gifts & pieces. Pieces available now on on my site here.

Related news… my earrings and little gifts I’ve been making are now being sold at Always Never Done in Landisville!! I’m super happy about this – just so fun! I call AND a happy little Christmas play land right now.

Last but not least, I’m so excited about the latest website I’ve been building for a client and can’t wait to show you when in launches in early 2021. So stay tuned!!

I’ve also made some fun new websites and logos recently – you can find them on my graphic design page.

All the best to each and every one of you. Thank you for reading this long post and showing grace to not just me, but every single woman and person in your life. Have grace. We are all on a journey and I hope it is one of greater and greater freedom.

Until next time!