Every day for the last year plus I’ve awoken to these lyrics and beloved song:
I used to think I wanted to be famous
I’d be recognized out in a crowd
But the funny thing is anytime I’ve gotten what I want
It lets me down
But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can’t quite keep up
It’s the one thing around here
That we don’t have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more like love
I used to think I needed all the answers
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn’t cover up in black and white
But I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
I can’t quite keep up
It’s the one thing around here
That we don’t have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more like love
I find the farther that I climb
There’s always another line of mountain tops
It’s never going to stop
And the more of anything I do
The thing that always ends up true: is getting what I want will never be enough
So I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
I can’t quite keep up
It’s the one thing around here
That we don’t have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more like love
Like love
– Ben Rector; More Like Love
The one person who knows that, my beloved roommate, could probably tell you many days I let it play to the end. I listen to every line. Every reminder that life isn’t as complex as I make it. Life isn’t something I’m missing out on. That today and who I am in that very early morning moment with whatever lingering feelings might arise, is full of opportunity because it’s a moment and a new day that I can try to figure out what looking like love means.
Each one of these lines speaks to me. I need reminded to let go of my constant effort to try to “figure life out” and simply rest, breathe and ask “What does love mean right now?”.
Some days, and really some weeks, that continual treadmill of “figuring out life” gets the best of me. “Should I be doing this?” “What’s life about?” “Am I missing it?” “Am I letting the world down?” “What do I need to do more of?” “Less of?” “Is this right?” “For that matter, is this wrong?” And on and on. It’s rough. And if you look into the enneagram at all and know anything about the incessant inner voice of the Type 1 you may begin to understand that this can get the best of someone and feel like it’s all just “too much”.
But then, another day. Another alarm. Another reminder it’s ok. Another breath in child’s pose bringing God’s love to mind. And with enough days of this, God will gently bring my inner self back to the real question that matters “What does love mean here?” And many times that has to begin with me. Love me. Remember God does. Remember that I may not have it figured out, or get it right, or could be wrong, or could let people down, AND I can never lose my Love. I can never lose the truth that love surrounded me first. Love surrounds me always.
This thing isn’t about me. This life isn’t about my happiness or even my perfection and attempts to get it right. What if I am completely missing the mark? What if I’m really not “getting it”? What if I really “should be figuring out” what life’s all about? Well if that’s the case, by God’s grace, Love will still wrap around me. Call me loved. And say “wake up, try again. I love your silly, cute, flawed, human and beautiful self so so much. You’re here on purpose. You’re here in this moment, this year, this age because I love you.”
So if you’re like me, if you get caught in an inner swirl of “figuring it out”, may you know you’re not alone. You’re more similar than different. You’re human. AND you are infinitely loved. Before those thoughts in your mind were even trained to think that way, Life, God who made you, said “I love you so much I’m so excited you’re coming into the world!! I’m so excited you exist! I’m so excited to love every part of you always!”
So in this new year of my life, and in your new year of your life, may we remember together that we are beloved. And may we ask “What would love mean in this moment?”
Grace & Peace dear ones.
Little Extras
So I turned older. Maybe (and probably) that’s why I got caught in my all too “usual” way of thinking. But thankfully God gives the courage to just keep going and a new day always dawns. Anyway – it took all year, but if you’re curious what 30 was / is like…. I made an entire playlist for 30! A year in the making and I love every song. Such great reminders and makes me happy. Ben Rector’s song is near the end (I love it so much. I must if I can listen over 500? times and still hear it 😉 ) : Here’s the Spotify Link to listen
Books I’ve listened to this month:
- Raggamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning – I want to read this now. It’s exceptional and I would enjoy savoring and underlining it.
- Loveable by Kelly Flannagan – This book kept getting better. I may listen again sometime in life. It quiets my voice of shame and reminds who I am and inspires me to be all of me. Good stuff.
- The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Suzanne Stabile – Finding this helpful. Still hard to hear about Ones… but I know self-awareness is key in life.
Thankful for PA getting Spring finally! This Winter was long and hard. Sun and flowers make me feel like a whole new woman! It’s amazing. And the cold kept the North East from blooming until now and everything is blooming at once! It’s like walking and driving through a wonderland. I can almost not take it all in! Thank God so so much for this moment and season and the colors and the little glimmers of hope and life and restoration. Spring or something even greater (can you imagine?!) has to be part of Heaven some how. Seriously. Wow.
Got to walk around Central Park for the first time in this full bloom and it’s incredible right now! Thankful for that moment. The photo is from a really cool space we wandered on in Central Park.
Life-changing podcast episode: You Listening to You | March 26, 2018 |Episode 189 of the RobCast I can’t even describe how freeing things like this are. Thank you Rob Bell. Grateful too I got to hear him speak in Philly at The Holy Shift Tour. Great stuff. Draw a circle around your life – because the whole thing is Holy. Amen!
That’s all for now – thanks so much for reading! If you need a little more inner rest in your life, I am hoping my podcast and additional lectio divina’s on Patreon can be helpful. Made with love and hope for that. Listen on iTunes, SoundCloud, or Patreon search YogaBreathePray
And if you’re a music lover and want some new music – this April playlist doesn’t get old! So good.
