I haven’t posted in weeks! And for that I’m sorry. I can tall you my excuses like – winter just isn’t my season, I’ve been extremely busy, and you can’t just produce inspiration out of thin air. But if you look back in my posts and read “Just Begin” you’ll see I have no excuse. I can always just begin writing and post something!
So here it is a new post.
I want to share some personal things I’m facing and what I’m learning. It seems to me right now that all of my life is screaming “You are not in control”. But not just that harsh statement of truth, but along with it a kind, compassionate “It’s ok I, God, am in control”.
You see, I am facing a lot of large changes in my life. Change is never easy for me. I enjoy tradition and like to “get in a routine” in life. Not to say I don’t enjoy fun spontaneous occurences, but I generally keep to a steady schedule and find comfort in the established practices of my life. And so when change occurs, I am compelled to see the one in greater control than I.
First, I have an awesome small group with solid, honest Christian friends. We meet once a week and hash out scripture and how we see God working in our lives. We’ve been together for over a year now and due to the addition of some awesome new-comers we can no longer call our self “small”. Just this past week we multiplied – created a second group out of our large-small group. This in my little perspective is scary – all the what ifs. “Can these new groups survive?” “Will God replenish them?” “What if people can’t make it? Will they feel too small?” “what if the dynamics are thrown off and….” You finish the sentence. My mind can go wild when I am given a change
Second, I need to move soon. I live in the most expensive area in the US. Literally! My dad and I looked up the cost of living, and NYC and the greater area (me) was #1. Crazy. That said, I have been looking for months and have yet to find an affordable place. I’d be happy to live with a mature, considerate friendly roommate – but that too is yet to exist in my area. I’m hard at work, searching, spreading the word, viewing places – but the outcome is still unknown. Again my mind could crawl with questions “Will I find a place?” “Where?” “Will I find a roommate that actually improves life and doesn’t impinge on happiness?” The questions can go on and on.
And lastly, some on going health questions and my desire to find my love are situations I have no control over. For all the situation stated above – yes I can do somethings toward their solutions – I can try to make certain people go in certain groups because I think their personalities will work best, I can post myself on online roommate listing websites and interview anyone and everyone, I can eat healthfully and exercise regularly, I can even ask to be set on blind dates – but I cannot control the outcome of any of these. People will be people and situations with them can never be predicted and should always be fluid because it’s never clear-cut. The right apartment and / or roommate would need to be available – no matter how hard I look. My health questions may still continue no matter my personal devotion to a healthy lifestyle, and I will find love only when it finds me. When I am ready and God brings the right man into my life. I can search and prepare and work toward an outcome I want, but I am not in total control.
Now this is not a futile realization. In fact it’s the opposite. Well if I am not in control, then what is? Laws of nature? Well maybe, if I behave in unhealthy it’s certain there will be consequences. But there’s something more than that. I can still try to work against laws of nature – forcing my outcomes. But, God, I have to let go and acknowledge “Yes, God I am not in control. You are.” The truth is, in a month – he knows how our small groups look. In a month, a year – he knows how my health will be, where I will live, and who I will be in relationship with. He knows. There is comfort in my not needing the control – if I’m not in control, and I let that be – I give in so to speak – I can be swept up into the large wave of God’s movement. If I try to regain and retain what little control I have – I always feel like I trying to grip the ocean floor as the wave is sweeping at full speed all around and through me. It’s useless. At some moment I will be swept along. And if I go with it, it feels free, fast, and exciting. God is able to do far more than my little attempt ever could for God “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” Ephesians 3:20 tells us.
So with God my small groups will not only thrive, but flourish! I will soon be living in a place that I can take a big breath and kick up my heels at night because it feels like home. My health will be just fine, God giving me the strength I need for each moment. And marriage will be in the mix and even better than I could create on my own, but in his time.
In this “land of in-between” where change is beginning to turn a new leaf, I can do somethings that will last and bring life. I can pray – give what control I have to the God who truly controls all, trusting His way is the best way for me. I can work on being the best I can be – prepared to lead small groups and be there for friends, prepare myself to make good decisions about living situations, take care of my body so it has a better chance to create a new equilibrium, and prepare who I am to be a great bride and mother someday. For this time and life is what I have, and I will do with it the best I can.
